Chapter 137: The Comical Daily Life of Monarch and Subject

Zhuang Chen was left speechless after hearing this; if it were him, he absolutely couldn't endure it!

Zhou Hui couldn't help but laugh. "There are too many Qing dynasty dramas lately, filled with overbearing CEOs and harems of three palaces and six courtyards, as if being an emperor is a cushy job."

"Let me give you a brief overview of an emperor's daily schedule. They would wake up at the 'Yin' hour, which is between 3:00 and 5:00 AM. The waiting eunuchs and palace maids would immediately assist with washing and dressing. Once finished, they had to go to the Cining Palace to pay respects to the Empress Dowager. This rule was established starting from the Kangxi Emperor. Walking from the Hall of Mental Cultivation to the Cining Palace and back was essentially their morning exercise."

"After paying respects, it was time for morning lessons and breakfast. The 6:00 AM lesson, known as the 'Daily Lecture,' involved selecting officials to lecture on state governance classics, or the emperor would study the 'Veritable Records of Ancestors' and 'Sacred Instructions' himself."

"The Imperial Kitchen was busiest during this time, preparing breakfast for the emperor. Even for breakfast, there would be over twenty dishes, as the Manchu Qing royalty only had two formal meals a day—morning and noon. After the morning lesson, they would dine in the West Garden or the East Warm Pavilion."

"Once finished, it was time to work. It wasn't like in the movies where they held a grand morning court every single day; those grand assemblies happened only a few times a year. Official business was conducted by summoning ministers, sometimes one by one, sometimes two or three at a time. Although the Qing dynasty established many agencies to assist with government affairs, none had decision-making power; they had to petition the emperor for the final verdict."

"After finally listening to the ministers' endless chatter, the emperor had to review memorials—this was definitely hard labor. For instance, Kangxi and Yongzheng often worked late into the night. Yongzheng, in particular, once wrote over 12,000 characters on a single memorial, and that was with a brush!"

"At 12:00, it was time for the second main meal, again consisting of over twenty dishes. There was a brief nap, then the afternoon was spent continuing to see ministers and review memorials until 6:00 PM, when they 'clocked out'."

"At dinner time, the eunuchs from the Office of Imperial Affairs would bring a tray holding tablets inscribed with the names of the concubines. Whichever one was flipped would be the one to serve the emperor that night. First, she would bathe, then be carried to the emperor's bed by eunuchs. The time spent was strictly limited; once the time was up, even if the emperor was reluctant, the eunuchs would rush in and carry her away. Staying the night was strictly forbidden; the emperor spent every night alone, struggling to sleep."

"Even if the Empress were fat or ugly, the emperor had to sleep with her on the first and fifteenth of every lunar month. This was ancestral law, meant to elevate the status of the primary wife. If he didn't, the censors would point fingers and curse him."

"When serving the emperor, one was not allowed to lift the emperor's quilt. One had to crawl in from the foot of the bed, under the quilt, and crawl back out after the deed was done. Then, one would return to one's own quarters or sleep on a maid's bed near the bedchamber. One was not allowed to sleep on the dragon bed unless the emperor granted grace, in which case one might sleep on the footstool beneath the bed to keep watch for the emperor."

"Before the concubine left, the personal eunuch would ask the emperor: 'Keep or not?' If the answer was 'Keep,' she could leave directly. If the answer was 'Not,' she had to drink a contraceptive decoction, with the emperor deciding if this woman was qualified to bear royal heirs."

Zhuang Chen was dumbfounded. Is this what being an emperor is like?

Zhou Hui took a sip of water and continued, "Ministers in the Ming and Qing dynasties knelt throughout the entire audience. Even if the emperor summoned you alone for six hours, you had to kneel on the floor for six hours. If you were an old veteran, the emperor might show pity and grant you a felt pad to kneel on."

"Younger officials had to kneel on the bare floor. Eventually, many officials would secretly wrap their elbows and knees before court, and they would practice kneeling at home, otherwise, they might faint after just a while."

"Liu Yong's father, Liu Tongxun, literally knelt to death. Later, when Liu Yong was a teacher, he loved to be late or leave early, didn't teach seriously, and didn't grade assignments. The Qianlong Emperor was quite angry and cursed him: 'I only let you teach the princes for the sake of your father; how dare you be so unprofessional?'"

"The emperor woke up early, but the ministers didn't dare sleep in. The Qing capital was divided into an Inner City and an Outer City, with only Manchus allowed to live in the Inner City. Han ministers mostly lived outside the Xuanwu Gate. The distance from their homes to the Forbidden City was very far, so they usually had to wake up and leave around 2:00 or 3:00 AM."

"Do you think the 'Beijing drifters' who start work at 4:00 AM have it hard now? Imagine the officials back then. Especially in winter, braving the bitter cold, sitting in a sedan chair, swaying for two or three hours to attend court—and if it happened to be snowy or windy..."

Zhuang Chen couldn't help but shiver; he couldn't even bear to imagine it!

"After finally reaching the Forbidden City, officials couldn't enter immediately; they had to wait at the Donghua Gate. Regardless of how high-ranking you were, you had to walk past the 'dismounting tablet' and enter on foot. At the 'Mao' hour, which is 5:00 AM, the gates would open, and the officials would file in."

"According to the rules, except for the minister delivering the main official documents that day, others were not allowed to carry lamps. So, if an official was specially permitted to carry a lamp, he would certainly be followed by a crowd of others trying to catch the light, like a game of 'hawk catching chickens'."

"At 5:00 AM in the middle of winter, it was pitch black. If it happened to be raining or windy, some officials would walk in the dark, accidentally fall into the Imperial River, and drown!"

"Finally, the court session would begin. Unlike the dramas where ministers are crowded together in the main hall, in reality, except for a few high-ranking ministers, most had to stand outside the hall. If you were unlucky and the court was held at the gate, then sorry, all ministers had to stand on both sides of the Qianqing Gate."

"The assembly would begin with the 'three kneelings and nine kowtows.' After that tedious set of rituals, if you didn't have the stamina, you'd faint from shock. Every move—speaking, standing, gesturing—was strictly regulated. If you made a mistake, the duty censor would slap your face on the spot."

"What if you had to use the restroom? Sorry, hold it!"

"If you couldn't hold it, you know the consequences. That's why ministers rarely ate or drank water before court, suffering through hunger and cold..."

After saying this, she suddenly remembered something, stared closely at the floor, and tapped it with her foot several times. A crisp sound rang out, and she laughed, "Qing dynasty ministers were all slaves; they had to kneel when reporting to the emperor. If the emperor rewarded someone or let them speak, they had to remove their official hat and knock their head against the floor. It had to make a sound; that's called a 'resonant kowtow'."

"That's why many halls had special hollow tiles specifically for this; it was easiest to make a sound there. Otherwise, even if you cracked your head open, the emperor might not hear you. The old hands would bribe the eunuchs to find out where these 'feng shui' spots were early on."

Zhuang Chen also recalled the old show *My Fair Princess* and remembered what Little Swallow invented... right, the "Kneeling-Easy"!

He originally thought it was a fictional joke, but he didn't expect it to be...

It was almost noon. Seeing Zhuang Chen's high spirits, Zhou Hui wasn't about to suggest eating lunch—she was on a two-hundred-an-hour gig, after all.

She took out her phone, found a few photos, and continued, "These are many memorials from the Qing Imperial Archives. They are quite interesting, just like the comments sections we have now."

Governor of Fujian and Zhejiang: This is a local product from Taiwan called a mango. I present it to you, Your Majesty.
Kangxi: I know. This thing is useless. Don't send it again.
A month later...
Governor of Fujian and Zhejiang: This is a local product called a mango. I present it to you, Your Majesty.
Kangxi: I know. I hadn't seen a mango before, so I wanted to see it, but after seeing it, I realized it's useless. Don't send it again!

This was clearly just brown-nosing.

...

Admiral of the Fujian Navy: Reporting to Your Majesty, there is a woman in Taiwan who returned lost gold without keeping it.
Yongzheng: Read. (You're sending a memorial for such a trivial matter?)

This was someone bored out of their mind, just looking for attention!

...

Hangzhou Weaver: Reporting to Your Majesty, Zhu Yigui has gathered a crowd to rebel!
Kangxi: Damn it, you're speaking without a beginning or end, what the hell?

...

Governor of Fujian and Zhejiang: Reporting to Your Majesty, there are treacherous people in Taiwan gathering to cause trouble!
Kangxi: Damn, this matter is a bit serious. I am currently drafting an edict for pacification.

According to historical records, Zhu Yigui started in the fourth month, the Governor reported it in the beginning of the fifth month, the Qing army landed in mid-sixth month, and the situation was settled by the end of the sixth month. But that Hangzhou Weaver, damn him, didn't tell the emperor until the seventh month...

Governor of Zhili: This is the situation regarding rain in Shuntian Prefecture, Baoding Prefecture, etc., in early June.
Kangxi: It's raining everywhere. There are too many reports about rain and sunshine, and I already know the situation in the capital and north of the capital.
Governor of Zhili: This is the situation regarding rain in Shuntian Prefecture, Baoding Prefecture, etc., in early June.
Kangxi: I've already replied to this.
Governor of Zhili: This is the situation regarding rain in Shuntian Prefecture, Baoding Prefecture, etc., in early June.
Kangxi: I've already replied to this!
Governor of Zhili: This is the situation regarding rain in Shuntian Prefecture, Baoding Prefecture, etc., in early June.
Kangxi: It rained heavily in the capital and north of the capital on the 12th as well. I have already heard of it, no need to report again!
Governor of Zhili: This is the situation regarding rain in Shuntian Prefecture, Baoding Prefecture, etc., in mid-June. The river conditions are fine, and there is no locust plague.
Kangxi: Damn it... I know about the rain on the 27th, don't keep reporting... ahhh...
Governor of Zhili: May I return to the capital to celebrate Your Majesty's birthday?
Kangxi: No need to petition.
Governor of Zhili: May I come to celebrate Your Majesty's birthday on March 13th?
Kangxi: Get out! You are not allowed to come!